… that you are a very well known and respected cheese monger. Yes, a cheese monger, you make, find, collect and store the finest cheeses in all the land. But rather recently, you have had to leave you fine cheese collecting company roots high up in the mountains because of some sour business dealers that moved into the area. Now, you’re down here in this seemingly god-forsaken warm, muggy, boring, flat land that is just simply un-conductive to cheese making. But you’ve been through worse, you’ll persevere. You get yourself a nice little two room shack, the front for preparing the cheeses and such, and the back as bedroom, and a splendid little freezer chest for your best cheeses.
Then imagine, in a purely hypothetical instance of course, that you are sleeping one night, when you awake the rudest gonging noise, apparently echoing from the wall! You are of course startled and curious, you presume that something important or interesting or something is about to happen. And the most curious thing does happen! From the wall emerge a pack of rodents. Big ones, and rather silly walking on just two legs too. They take in your room for a bit, and chitter amongst themselves. They’re intelligent! Then, one of them lights a little match, oh how it wreaks havoc with your night-sight. And then the cheeky little bugger starts making a beeline for your holy cheese chest. Admittedly, he’s a bit cautious about it, but goodness, not so much as a ‘Hello, how do you do, Great One?’ or even just, anything really. He just goes for your pride and joy! The nerve of this little filth.
So what do you do? You wait patiently on your bed, and when the blighter gets a bit closer, you pounce on ‘im! That’s the spirit! Ruff him up a bit. Clearly he was shocked by that first assault, so while he’s still reeling, you go to pick him up. Just toss him out the window, no harm done, he’ll be outside where he belongs and that’ll be that. But no! He’s a slippery, weaselly piece. He pops right out of your hands and starts for the main room. He going for the rest of the cheese supplies! The cheeky bit! So you slam the door on him, no cheese for that rodent, no sir!
At that point though, the rest of ‘em join in. One of ’em hiding in the back, says something. It’s the language of your homeland to be sure, but the accent, oh it’s just terrible. No hiss or fang and missing diphthongs all over the place. It’s atrocious. So maybe you bark back something snappy and offensive, might not have been the best thing in the circumstance, but their brashness has been pretty hard to cope with. And as soon as you say that, what happens but one of the pissers has the indignity to spit on you. I mean really! That’s completely uncalled for. It’s disgusting and rude, and goes against everything civil and proper!
Well, there is only one answer to something so offensive. You give the group of them the cold shoulder. Sure, it’s probably a bit rude on your part, but totally understandable given the circumstances.
After that they quickly realize the situation, that put them in their place. You hop up and watch the vermin make good their mistake, but not without letting ‘em know you’ll remember this injustice.
After they the sounds of their squeaking and scrabbling have faded away, you examine the hole they made. It seems fairly old, perhaps left over from previous occupants… Well, a little bit of work and no more filth are going to get through there! Your work done, you curl back up to dream of giant cheese and chasing panicking rodents.
~A thoughtful simile by yours’ truly
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